I am shy and mysterious – when I say my goodbyes…
When I part with the ones I’ve come to love throughout my life;
when the times are miraculous, when I stop to think twice…
If you are doing this right, that means – playing the song above while you read this, paying attention to the lyrics and everything, you probably know what this means. And I could say as well that it was all this walking so far, nothing but hiss and overdrive. Pushing my limits, as in okay, let’s see where this takes me from nowhere. From a shit hole I found myself in at the possible end a while ago. Some overdrive of me. Disappointing to some of you, to some versions of me as well probably, but who cares about that? :) Not me. And I was actually taken by surprise as I reached my decision, mainly because of that reason. Yes, it’s nice to play Bear Grills or whatever, but once I did it it meant nothing to me any more, as I came full circle, there was something and, more important, someone I came to miss. And in the mean time love. And no, I did not take this decision as quickly as the one which brought me to walking in the first place. The first was salvation, this one should be bliss.
Now I could go on and say that I cannot explain it or that I don’t care about what anyone would say, but somehow I do. Mostly about who cared about this kind of me, mostly about those who believed in this project when I didn’t any more. So here’s how it ended for me. Isn’t it so that you choose the world [read reality] in which you live in?
So I was in Bucharest, being offered a wonderful welcome by both friends and people that didn’t know me at all as well. I was living the possibility of my dream coming true already. Doing what I like, what I love to do, and being appreciated for that sole reason, for having the guts & balls to say yes or no as I wanted. As I could be free. I indulged in that feeling and I let it embrace me. For a short while, I was the star of my life. Imagine being the star of your show. I felt like that, in one of the most intense public speakings I ever had, hosted by the people at Incubator 107, an art-life sort of workshop, where I was really happy to see my pictures printed out as postcards which were handed out to the public. Hell, I even shook hands with Princess Margareta of Romania the following day, after being late for about 20 minutes. That was it for me. Yet I would’ve felt otherwise alone. So no wonder I was more than happy to welcome her as she visited me. She wanted to see Romania – or me? :) and seeing Romania and the both of us was what we did then. A bit, a tiny bit. What was there to unfold…
Then I took some time off from walking and jumped in my cousins car. Destination: from Bucharest to Vama Veche, then up the mountains to Vaslui, via Transfăgărășan, via Brașov. And I must say, it was a hell & honey of a ride. I walked 100 km in 24 hours at one point. My cousin drove then 1.000 km in 18 hours. On Romanian roads! So cheers for that!
The it was time to see my folks again. Birthday party and everything included. They even had me a photo camera – shaped birthday cake! And it could have only got as wild as I wanted to, that’s how I felt, like I had it all. But then, still alone, unless…
After having enough of Vaslui and Iași, we then headed for an intimate trip. Brașov and Sighișoara. When, needless to say, I had the best of times. Not necessarily like in “The Best of Times is Now” song from Jackass, for it was more, much more than that. And may I forgive myself if I was wrong. That cannot be. For all the peace, all the love, in between these two of us, in those days, was amazing.
And then she left. I spent some more days in Bucharest, already thinking about what to do now. I was growing out of thee road for some time already. And philandering with the possibility of being happy with her was already growing onto me like a sweet cool glove then. So still pondering with the question: what would there be on the road ahead: what would there be in Hamburg? I knew I love her. Yet enough? Ever felt like in a life changing situation when everything is at stake? This time I didn’t chose with my mind only.
Back home, a decision needed to be reached soon. And then I felt I already took that decision, a long long time ago, as I left Hamburg walking. Not that I am not dreaming any more. Change can only come from within? I don’t know about that. Had a dream last night. There was me, sitting in my room at home, surrounded by darkness, where I could hear party noises from all over around. But me alone and complete darkness. And in my room walks this woman which I only saw two times as I was a kid – then a kid too. But now she’s a woman walking up to me, and as she is taking a seat besides, she sounds surprised: ‘It’s YOU!’. Of course it’s me, it’s not someone else!, I say. ‘Yeah, I know, she then says, you haven’t changed a bit, you haven’t changed at all!’. So what am I standing for? Where is the surprise? Where is me? What is me? I think I’m done running. Or walking, whatever. I am now returning to where my heart is. Hard enough decision? I could hardly wait for it! There were two sides of it, each important: okay, let’s shift, see where this takes me, try and embrace all the surprises; and, on the other hand, there was a promise I made to myself: once I fall in love, all of this ends, I cannot risk missing a chance like that. And she gave me everything. I cannot stop but wonder if that is love or egoism or fear. Truth is, by now, I couldn’t care more.
Mum and Pop drove me to the airport. Another intense goodbye. So here I am, flying my way from my dream once to my dream now. It was actually the first time I flew with a company airline. Mixed feelings only about the end of this project which I am somehow failing. But looking back to how it was started, it all makes a hell lot of sense.
A new home now. Hamburg. So what is it that I’m doing these days? Honestly, not much. Fiddling my way into another routine, away from my walks. Trying my best at learning German, trying my best to get a job (got any tips?), trying my best to kind of fit in back to whatever normal society is.Trying my best to live and being happy at it, hoping my recipe will work. And hoping not to disappoint. Both me and her. And I must say, dreaming of getting back on that adventurous horse, now the both of us. Okay, not walking, that’s for me only. But somehow, to continue doing this, to continue doing what I like for what and who I love. A friend told me recently that I need to keep inspiring. Honestly, I don’t have the darndest clue about what that means. If that is doing what you want, hooray! I just did. If that is posing as powerful and full of inspirational bullshit for others, fuck that, I’m kind of done. I have better things to live for now.
I have a hidden smile in my heart. The kind I keep for cloudy days. For when I cry myself out to the world, in silence. For when I feel the weight of my life on my shoulders. For when I see her again after she’re gone. Yet sometimes, although I knew I was in love, I sometimes felt like choosing darkness, you know, that way of getting wasted at the hands of all monsters, getting my soul dirty and destroyed to the point of no return to whatever normal might be. I am haunting myself with those possibilities. I don’t want them, though, yet I face their previous existence. I just hope that the ‘now’ me will not change into that. Do I have anything to lose? Probably just love. A high price to pay. For me, continuing the road, walking free into the wild and unknown, would’ve meant sinking into that darkness. So laugh if you think I’m old or used. By now, I’m used to being torn. For me, I chose love against adventure. For it just might me that love will get me adventure as well, as it was the case in the opposite situation which I drove [walked and rushed] myself into.
I won’t go now thanking you individually and calling names of the ones who supported all of this. For those of you who felt it, these words will mean much more. Be brave. Be polite. Be kind, rewind. Be where you are happy. And when in doubt, think. With both mind and heart. Think of not yourself, but some around you as well. Sometimes I failed at doing that, so who am I to say? I’m just a guy who tried to save himself, knowing that I did in the warm hands of love. Again. Needless to say, these last 10 months have been the most glorious of my lifetime so far. And that’s mainly because of the people I’ve come to meet, the experiences I’ve come to live and the feelings I’ve come to share. But now I’m looking forward for the next things. For me, this story of the road is over in a way, and so not over in so many others. So over and out. Love and be loved!
And just as a reminder…
P.S.: I thank you all, all of you who gave me all those precious moments to treasure from now on – parents, relatives, friends, acquaintances, walking partners, chatting partners, talking partners, sharing feelings partners. It’s not that I don’t look back at them. I am deeply grateful for all the chances I’ve been given.